A two year old break down at church prompted this post today. Chloe of course did not want to go to Sunday school. I knew that she was not going to quietly sit there like an angel because let's get real, she is two years old but this girl was way over the top. She was spitting, hitting me, screaming, and anything else you could imagine. At one point, she wanted to write in a Bible! Embarrassment was an understatement. Before having my own child, I was guilty of seeing an uncontrollable child and thinking to myself, "My kid would never act that way." Now, I understand it is not that easy.
Another emotion that has kicked in is guilt, guilt for everything. Guilt for leaving your child to work for 8 plus hours. Guilt for disciplining. Guilt for that piece of cake that you gave in on. The list goes on and on and I cannot imagine the guilt ending, at least not for a very long time. It is a lot to be responsible for a little life that you have to make sure has morals and values and hope they use those morals and values to become a good person.
Being worrisome is probably the most felt emotion. It all starts at day one when you wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and feel your newborn's chest to make sure it is still moving up and down. Googling why is my baby's poop green or is this normal for my two year old..., is a constant in my life now. No one tells you how you are always on edge and always thinking about the well being of your little one. And as they always say, "There is no pamphlet for parenting."
One thing they do tell you but you still don't fully understand until your child is here, is that it is all worth it. People tell you that all the time and you believe it but you do not realize how powerful that feeling is until you actually experience it. They can scream and cry your ears off. They can piss, shit, and throw up on you, sometimes all at the same time. They can defy you and test your patience. But at the moment they smile or pass a milestone for the first time, you immediately soften and that right there is all that matters. Everything you sacrifice for your little person is all worth it in the end and I have to keep telling myself that.